I began
collecting perfect moments out of desperation about 17 years ago. I’d been in therapy for several years and was
working hard but still struggled almost every day. I was sad, irritable and intensely
self-critical. Each evening at bedtime,
I ruminated about my endless failures, shortcomings and imperfections. I imagined that every incomplete project,
snippy attitude and weeping fit spread out behind me like the wake of a boat,
in far reaching waves of chaos. Not only
was I miserable, but I was convinced that I made other people miserable, too,
just by being in their lives.
One night,
as I snuffled into my blanket I decided that I needed to make a change. I needed to change my brain. I decided to
change what I was thinking. Dwelling on
negativity wasn’t inspiring me to become Mary Poppins (you know, “Practically
perfect in every way”) and it wasn’t helping me rest peacefully through the
night. I determined that I needed to
accept my terrible flaws and deliberately think about something else. That night, I devised a new bedtime ritual
for myself. It was a three-part process:
1- List ten perfect moments from my past
2- List ten things I was looking forward
to without reservation
3- List ten things that were good, happy
or worthy of gratitude in that very moment
Mentally
listing these thirty positives was a tremendous challenge but integrating the
practice into my nightly routine was not.
The rewards of going through this list each night were immediate. I stopped crying myself to sleep, I slept
better, and this ritual launched me into la-la land almost as fast as an IV
drip of anesthesia!
Over the
next year, I made other changes in my life that contributed to a MUCH happier
Marcy; I started an anti-depressant medication, I adopted a dog and I moved. That first step, though, that moment of
epiphany when I realized that I had to actively change the way I used my brain;
that was my first step down a new road of happy and it was the first step I
took towards mindfulness practice. With
time and daily work, I began noticing more perfect moments and I became
increasingly able to stay fully present and aware of what was wonderful in life
as it was happening.
In an odd
way, it doesn’t sound like much of a big deal to simply pay attention to what
kind of good stuff is going on in life.
Our brains, however, have a powerful tendency to focus on the dangerous,
negative, alarming and difficult stuff, it’s called Negativity Bias. We process negative stimuli faster than
positive stimuli, remember it more vividly and give it more weight or import
than positive stimuli. This quirk in our
wiring has likely played a pretty big role in our survival, as a species. It’s also impacted all of our various
cultures. I think that it’s been a
powerful force in shaping modern media.
Perhaps for
some imaginary person who is born without any propensity towards depression
(not to mention paranoia), who is raised in a family and community that is
largely positive, validating and safe, Negativity Bias does not impact mental health. For those of us living in a less than rosy-ideal
reality, however, it poses a major barrier to happiness.
All these
years later, noticing the positive has become far easier for me. Still, it’s a deliberate practice that I must
consciously engage in. All too often, I
find myself caught up in negativity and it takes awareness and self-discipline
to disengage.
I’ve
neglected this blog for nigh onto seven months.
Every time I wrote a potential post, I rejected it. None of them sang to me. They all felt wrong in one way or another. Some of them were funny and some were serious. Yesterday, I realized that each of them had
negativity at their core. And now, I’m
glad that I didn’t publish those posts on this blog. But, it’s spring time and
spring is famous for new leaves, so it’s a great time for me to turn over a new
blogging leaf! I am going to strive to
post on this blog every day or two. My
aim is to keep my posts positive and I expect I’ll be sharing a lot of my
perfect moments with all of you.
Here’s a
perfect moment from today to get us started:
This
morning as I prepared a meal to go in my crock-pot, I used my marble mortar and
pestle to grind black peppercorns, sea
salt and fresh garlic together and then to mix them into olive oil. The aroma was succulent and I dipped my finger
into the mix for a taste, spicy but not too hot and also marvelously earthy. My tongue tingled and I bent over the mortar
to inhale the delicious aroma before adding the blend to the crock-pot. I closed my eyes and reveled in the lingering
flavor and mouthwatering smell.
Facts to elicit marvel:
The average human adult is made up of
about 7 octillion atoms! Yup, octillion is a real word, too.
Every cell in your body carries 6 to
8 feet of DNA!
What do you do to stay positive and happy? Have you collected any perfect moments today?
Please feel free to comment!
UPDATE:
